Clouded is my Mind By Miranda Lingerfelt

Clouded is my Mind

By Miranda Lingerfelt

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be free?

To be the person I want to be?

Will I ever find the real me?

I’m, twisted and tangled. Mangled in a web of painful emotions. I’ve been cursed by an evil potion. With everyday that passes by, I ask myself, why? I’m a web of painful emotions barely going through the motions. My soul slashed with a knife. What a miserable life.

Every night, I lay me down to sleep, I cry. No matter how hard I try, I can’t escape this gut wrenching pain, driving me insane.

Trapped in a black hole, tortured by screams, silent as the darkness ensnared, writhing me, my pain Why can’t anyone see? What a nightmare this is? Doesn’t anyone care? This is so unfair!

All the dreams I once had, drifted away. I am slowly drowning
in a sea of broken dreams. No one hears my screams. It seams there’s nothing left to say.

What have I done so wrong? In this world, do I belong? I’m a bird locked in a cage. Consumed by remarkable rage. With broken wings, I can sing or fly no more.

The pain, too difficult to endure. My soul’s slowly dying. I know, I must keep trying.Someone set me free. My dreams, lost in a sea of misery. Upon me, shine a light, repair my lost sight.

I’m blind, clouded in my mind. I’ve cried so many years poisoned by a world engrossed with wickedness inside me. I feel a horrifying sickness. All I want is to smile; it’s been a long while. But I can’t seem to wake from this nightmare. Please someone show me they care, set me free! Relinquish me, unfurl my wings.

Allow me to sing.

Only then will I fly happy and free.

I won’t bite you!!

Six years ago I started working as an Instructor, teaching computers, the internet, emailing and business practices to students with a disability called Cerebral Palsy.

I now see both sides of life that many people will never see…. I want to share it with you and give you something you cannot buy and something some people never get their entire lives..

We have all seen someone who is in a wheel chair, maybe they drool, face and body contorted, speech is difficult or they can’t speak. They look so different from the people we usually see. They may not smile at you because they cannot, but there may be a smile inside for you…There may have someone with them who is helping them, pushing their wheel chair, helping them communicate, feeding them or taking them to the restroom.

We feel sorry for them, uncomfortable looking at them, we look away, we feel afraid, we think we could never live like that, we think we would rather not live at all, we are curious about them and their lives…

I have become friends with many people who have a disability. My life and my family’s lives have changed for the best, including my parents, children and and my grandchildren.

My students and I talk about many things…many want you to know them like you would anyone else you meet… "don’t treat me special.." "don’t feel uncomfortable around me, I know I look different from you but we are the same inside."

My body doesn’t look the same as yours and it doesn’t work they way it should, my voice may never be heard… But I think and feel much the same as all of you who are afraid of me..

"I wish I could walk.. I want to be able to talk, I want to go out on a date, I want to fall in love, I want to drive a car, I want to eat with a knife and fork and chew my food, I want to use the bathroom by myself, I don’t want to drool, I want to get married and have children, I want to have a job and make money, own a home, live a happy life and grow old, the same as everyone else... like you. Are you SURPRISED to hear this???

My life is very hard work… but like you I have to do the best I can with what I have been given.

Some people living with a disability are luckier than others. There are some who have wonderful families who give them love and support, those people have learned from their loved ones how people feel about them. They feel more comfortable meeting you.... Some people live in group homes and are cared for by underpaid staff who don’t know them, if they are lucky they will meet someone like me, someone they can talk to and trust with their feelings.