Relationships and people living with disabilities….

I recently attended the PEC 2009 three-day conference in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. The conference was on depression and isolation concerning people with disabilities.

Through out the three days there were many speakers. A few were professionals in the area of depression, but the majority of the speakers were real people living with disabilities. They told their stories of their lives from growing up to the current struggles of their lives today.

The focus was on their adult relationships. There were some who had found a mate and the stories were heart warming. Some had children and somewhat of a conventional family life.

What we heard most from these speakers though was the desire to be like everyone else, (as they view everyone else as those people without disabilities). They wanted to meet other people their age and ask out for a date or be asked out on a date. There was one young man I remember who told hid story about being treated like any one else in his little town. He had many friends and frequented a local bar with his friends. They had a lot of good times together.

His problem was he felt jealous when the group of young men would talk about the ladies they had met and had gotten “lucky” with. He wanted so badly to ask one of the women at the bar to go out with him. But he said they were not disabled and although they were friendly with him, they would never consider actually going out with him.

There were many stories from men and women and each person expressed the same feelings about wanting to be able to have a relationship with a person with out a disability. As I listened to them and heard how they felt this was because of them and their disability, I wanted to stand up and tell them the way I see this issue, being a woman without a disability and being close to many people with disabilities.

It is not you or your disability… it is society, it is the way people are made to think about you. I don’t know when it started and I don’t know if it is truly founded or not. I guess it has to do with people being uneducated about disabilities. Some time way back when people decided if you have a disability you are not able to care for yourself or protect yourself from others, those who may do you some harm. I know this is true of some but surely not of most.

The main reason a woman would shy away from dating a man who has a disability is because of the way society has made her feel, she would feel like she would be taking advantage of you. Others would look at her as if she was abusing a disabled person. For a man it’s even worse. They would be seen as bad as a sex offender by society. They would be looked at as though they were taking advantage of women if she had a disability.

When I first started working at a center, which was a day program with about ninety-five people attending, I didn’t know people with disabilities were just like everyone else on this world. We need to educate people and expose our young to the many different people on this earth, disabled included.

Very quickly I became friends with some of the most awesome people that God has ever created. My life changed, my family’s lives changed, we now know we are blessed.

The behind the scenes activities at the center became a passion of mine, wanting to educated our society and communities to what I learned about people with disabilities. It would be a more perfect world if people no longer saw the wheelchair, the speech device, the drooling, the spastic arm or leg movements, and they saw the person the same way my grandchildren see them. I found out that there were more than one intimate relationship between some staff and some participants at the center. This was kept very secret because the staff person would loose their job and/or face abuse allegations.

On several occasions I assisted young adult couples, both with disabilities, in becoming more intimate with each other. I arranged for adjoining hotel rooms and helped create a romantic atmosphere. I helped with figuring out positions and talk with them about ways of pleasuring each other. It was very rewarding when after a couple of times they found their own way of loving each other.

I realize now I could have gotten in trouble had the wrong people found out what I did. The people who work with people with disabilities are sometimes very closed minded and want to “protect” them from the world, when at the same time those they are trying to “protect” are wanting to be treated like anyone else is here on earth…

I am working on a plan to incorporate into our elementary school a program for the student to work with people with a disability everyday… maybe as a classroom aide or an art instructor or computer instructor. They can get to know the person, ask questions and understand. We could create a generation of people without prejudice and fear towards people with disabilities.

Truly what a wonderful world that would be…………